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By Sir Alex - (See other posts by Sir Alex):
I wrote this because most of my own experience looking for subs has been honestly rather fraught. That said there have been some qualities that have always stood out to me when I run across them. None of this should be taken as a personal judgment or denouncement against anyone who does not display one or more qualities. But by the same token, maybe knowing what it is I look for will help subs in either understanding the alpha mind or in
- Hobbies: This may seem like an odd one, but I have had some really enjoyable play sessions with submissives that had hobbies related to kink. One really enjoyed cleaning leather, one made his own rope for fun and gave it to friends, and another was a cook who enjoyed making food into displays of kink (black olive hand cuffs and blindfolds on veggie men). Ultimately, sex can’t be the only thing you have in common with a sub if you want much more than a hook up. Even friendships need some points in common.
- Mindset: This is probably my biggest indicator of whether I want to play with a boy. The mindset I want to see is that a boy is largely focused on his would be Alpha. As a submissive when you give up control to me, I play with you. Your needs will be met by you merely showing up, worry not.
- Language: I tend to get concerned or suspicious when people ask “what would you do to me?” or “I wish you’d paddle my ass.” I get suspicious because the first phrase sounds like you want to jack off to what I write, which is what I made betabreeder for. Submissives that use the word “wish” have, in my experience, infrequently actually put any effort into meeting up. “How do you like to be served?”; “What is a session with you like?”; and “What are your favorite kinks to play around with?” are much better questions because they’re engaging the person they’re speaking to and the answers would likely inform whether or not the two of you are a match.
- Assertiveness: This may seem like a strange thing to look for in a submissive but ultimately, I want to know that you will speak up when something is wrong. I want to know that if I hit too hard or use the wrong title. If my submissive is assertive enough to speak up when something is wrong, then I can feel freer to be myself because I know you’re doing your part.
- Experience: At this point in my kink life I’m more interested in experienced players but I do still take on newcomers (bredbeta is a case in point). I would advise that anyone looking for a Sir should ask a Sir they approach whether or not he takes on newcomers. I have met some other kinksters who don’t play with newbies. They’re ready for more advanced play and it’s nothing personal.
- Body: I want to play with someone I’m physically attracted to. If you can’t tell whether someone is physically attracted to you just ask, no sense in wasting time
- Kinks in common: When I’m looking to play, I usually am in the mood for something, to breed, to cane, or to restrain for example. I’m flexible when I’m looking. No one needs to have every kink I’m into. I bring this up because so frequently submissives assume I will not be into them because they aren’t into every kink on my profile.
- A boy who knows his limits: I find it off putting to not know a boy’s limits. Some guys say they don’t have any limits at all. I find that a bit reckless and definitely unhelpful. I want to respect a boy’s body and mental space as much as he needs me to and I don’t want to step on any land mines if I call him a bitch and he gets angry as a result. If you truly feel you have no limits regarding how a dominate may use you, define them super broadly like: “no women or children”. One area that is commonly overlooked these days is whether or not barebacking is for you. Be sure to state your preference up front and whether that preference is a deal breaker. You’ll be surprised how much time it saves you.
- Hobbies: This may seem like an odd one, but I have had some really enjoyable play sessions with submissives that had hobbies related to kink. One really enjoyed cleaning leather, one made his own rope for fun and gave it to friends, and another was a cook who enjoyed making food into displays of kink (black olive hand cuffs and blindfolds on veggie men). Ultimately, sex can’t be the only thing you have in common with a sub if you want much more than a hook up. Even friendships need some points in common.
- Mindset: This is probably my biggest indicator of whether I want to play with a boy. The mindset I want to see is that a boy is largely focused on his would be Alpha. As a submissive when you give up control to me, I play with you. Your needs will be met by you merely showing up, worry not.
- Language: I tend to get concerned or suspicious when people ask “what would you do to me?” or “I wish you’d paddle my ass.” I get suspicious because the first phrase sounds like you want to jack off to what I write, which is what I made betabreeder for. Submissives that use the word “wish” have, in my experience, infrequently actually put any effort into meeting up. “How do you like to be served?”; “What is a session with you like?”; and “What are your favorite kinks to play around with?” are much better questions because they’re engaging the person they’re speaking to and the answers would likely inform whether or not the two of you are a match.
- Assertiveness: This may seem like a strange thing to look for in a submissive but ultimately, I want to know that you will speak up when something is wrong. I want to know that if I hit too hard or use the wrong title. If my submissive is assertive enough to speak up when something is wrong, then I can feel freer to be myself because I know you’re doing your part.
- Experience: At this point in my kink life I’m more interested in experienced players but I do still take on newcomers (bredbeta is a case in point). I would advise that anyone looking for a Sir should ask a Sir they approach whether or not he takes on newcomers. I have met some other kinksters who don’t play with newbies. They’re ready for more advanced play and it’s nothing personal.
- Body: I want to play with someone I’m physically attracted to. If you can’t tell whether someone is physically attracted to you just ask, no sense in wasting time
- Kinks in common: When I’m looking to play, I usually am in the mood for something, to breed, to cane, or to restrain for example. I’m flexible when I’m looking. No one needs to have every kink I’m into. I bring this up because so frequently submissives assume I will not be into them because they aren’t into every kink on my profile.
- A boy who knows his limits: I find it off putting to not know a boy’s limits. Some guys say they don’t have any limits at all. I find that a bit reckless and definitely unhelpful. I want to respect a boy’s body and mental space as much as he needs me to and I don’t want to step on any land mines if I call him a bitch and he gets angry as a result. If you truly feel you have no limits regarding how a dominate may use you, define them super broadly like: “no women or children”. One area that is commonly overlooked these days is whether or not barebacking is for you. Be sure to state your preference up front and whether that preference is a deal breaker. You’ll be surprised how much time it saves you.
Have a question or need a friendly ear?
Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com!
And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.
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