Doms Need Structure Too

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instructor144: Settle down, Doms/Dommes. As Headley Lamar once said, “unclench your sphincters.” Please don’t be put off by the title of this piece. Let me evolve this thought, which came to me — as most of my most offbeat thoughts do — in the shower. (the reader is free to conjure up any sophomoric jokes that seem appropriate here)

First, let’s talk about what a D/s relationship is. We are all familiar with the externals, what the semioticians call the “signifiers.” The tasks, the rituals, the discipline, the protocols, and yes, the spankings and the blowjobs. Now, to be clear, I fully support both spankings and blowjobs. First rate stuff. Love them. And the supple weight of a leather flogger in my hand. And a good, solid rattan cane? Lovely!

But I digress.

These are all merely “signifiers.” They simply point to the important thing, the “thing signified,” the heart of D/s. A single word: structure. Admittedly, that isn’t apparent from a quick stroll through Tumble Town, where the occasional meditation on the structural elements of D/s tends to be drowned out by the endless, tedious cavalcade of gaping orifices and vapid, joyless facials. But the needful thing, the driver and fuel for any meaningful D/s dynamic, is structure. Yet no one ever seems to ask one fundamental question: what is the Dominant getting out of all the hard work he puts in providing the structure that his submissive craves? (besides the spankings and blowjobs, that is) Here’s what I think: the Dominant needs structure every bit as much as the submissive does.

I figure right about now, my Follower count just went down by several hundred as outraged Dominants (and perhaps even a few submissives) poked that handy Unfollow button. “Doms don’t needstructure!! They givestructure!! It’s why they exist!! Fool!! Heretic!!! Communist!!!” For those of you who decided to stick around a bit longer, let me explain.

For a Dominant, giving structure to our submissive gives structure to our ownlives. All of us have known Dominants who have been without a submissive in their lives. Most of us have been there. It’s not a pretty thing to see. The recurrent meme of “A Dom without a sub spends his time shuffling around the house shouting orders at the cat” isn’t all that far from the mark, from what I’ve seen. (Spoiler alert: cats make godawful submissives: willful, arrogant, unfocused, and disobedient.)

Here’s how it plays out in the real world. When a Dominant gets his “Good morning” (in whatever form it comes) from his girl, it gives shape, focus, and, above all, meaningto his day. It gives his day structure. For some of us, on some days, it gives us a reason — sometimes the only reason — to boot up our brains and get out of bed. Without the structured focus that stepping up to our responsibility to our girl demands, we feel adrift, at loose ends, and just “off” in some vague, anxious way. With the structure that caring for our submissive provides, we have a purpose.

When we get our Good Morning greeting or equivalent ritual, our Dominant brain says “I have someone who needs what I have to offer. For today, she is mine, and I have a responsibility to her. Time to go to work.” And make no mistake: that work is the most amazing, exhilarating, and rewarding work that one can undertake.

papatonyinsandiego:


Hear, hear!

I am a Dominant who thrives best when I have focus, drive, determination and a DIRECTION. I don’t lack for energy - I’ve got demons that drive me. The problem is, without someone or something to focus upon, all of that wild energy goes spiraling around, bouncing off of the satellites.

Without submissives under my care, it’s like I am in a magnetic storm, and the needle on my compass is pointing everywhere at once.

Back when I was raising children, they gave me an excuse to be the very best Dad that I could ever be. My desire to let things go and just do whatever the moment called for went away, but in a very GOOD way. I became a kind, mature and flexible grownup in their honor.

It’s the same with my slaves. I endeavor to be the man that shines in their eyes when they look at me. My life becomes structured because we ALL need it to be.

Best part? When I break down at some point, I have the freedom to do so, just like they do. I can be tired, sick, discouraged and vulnerable, because that is also part of the agreed-upon structure.

We all support each other, and then we get better together, year after year, decade after decade.