Hundreds more articles like this can be found
at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!
I am a young submissive who is currently a student. I've been on Tumblr looking at blogs such as yours for a few years now but I finally feel ready to commit and enter a proper Master/fag relationship. Im just not sure how to find the right man. I'm sure you get messages like this all the time, and if you respond to mine, I'll be very grateful. I know where to start, just not how to continue...breederofbetas:
Hi there sub! Thinking it through is a good approach to any relationship. I also want to start off with an apology for the delay. I wrote this post a dozen times trying to not repeat myself and make sure I answered what you were asking. But I think I have the best version of this answer so here goes!
I’m going to start by linking three articles I’ve already written on the topic. I don’t intend to tread over old ground in the rest of the article so you’ll want to read them as a supplement to this.
What to look for in a Sir
What I look for in a submissive
How to find a Sir
What I’d rather spend my time writing about here, is how to figure out what it is you need from a power exchange relationship. I need you to start by understanding that “Master/fag” is a single version of the possible power exchange dynamics out there. I’m uncertain if it’s simply what you’re most familiar with or if that’s what you’ve decided you need. Tumblr tends to fixate on Master/fag dynamics a lot in the collective horny consciousness.
The articles I wrote can help you come to grips with what your needs are out of BDSM but the best thing to do is get out there and try. Serve many different masters if that’s possible in your area. There’s no need to dive head first into a BDSM relationship before you’ve had a chance to learn more. The best thing about serving a few different doms is that you’ll see things that you like about how they conduct themselves and things you don’t like and that’s what’s going to inform your selection of a suitable partner. Almost every technique I’ve learned I learned from exposure to other subs and doms.
When you do start serving a master, remember that even with someone you’ve served for a year or more you can still have limits. If you don’t want to give up control of your finances for example, that’s perfectly fine. Dominants will always seek to see what power they can hold with you next. It is our job to push a little bit the boundaries that we have to help you grow as a submissive. Expect that, but know trust yourself if you need to push back on a dominant’s pressure.
When you do get with a dominant that you like, be sure to institute a time to come together and set roles aside and talk about the relationship and the power dynamic. Make sure to institute rules that forbid punishment for what’s discussed during such times. I found the most helpful thing I ever did with my boy was to write a contract. No, the contract isn’t legally binding, it wasn’t meant to be. Its purpose was to make certain that we clearly defined our needs to ourselves and each other and had something written about our expectations. We’ve updated it every year we’ve been together.
Sometimes doms and subs grow apart too. A submissive may find a new kink that he truly embraces and his dominant is not able or willing to fully service. Dominants and submissives sometimes move away from the scene for a variety of reasons and you could find yourself with an ex-dominant or a dominant turned submissive. Kink is an incredibly complicated expression of human sexuality. Don’t fear change. When it feels like it might be time to part ways, do. Remain amicable and wish him well.
Lastly, never forget that as the submissive you always have the power of no. Do not let a dominant seize power over you too quickly. Serve a man because he is worthy of your service and he inspires it in you. Never because you fear him and/or he demands it. Learn the difference between domination and abuse, the line is very bold.
I’m so excited for you. You have a whole submissive life ahead of you you’re choosing to embrace to better express yourself as a person. That’s going to be a wonderful journey. Thank you so much for asking for some wisdom to get started. Be the boy your Sir always needed. Best of luck.
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