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ironcladlifery:
They’ve asked me to list my limits, both hard and soft, to think hard about what to negotiate in a scene, and i’ve asked them to do similar things. We’re circling around a set of specific issues when we negotiate power exchange, but to my knowledge i’ve seen nothing written anything like what i’m about to:
Those poor Dominants.
i’m not being sarcastic. i really do feel this way.
First, there’s the question of who is really in charge, and many say it’s actually the sub. Subs want what they want in exactly the way they want it, in which case the Dominant is actually the servant, or the service provider. Which may or may not be true in every case but it’s the general view or the received wisdom on the subject: the sub is actually in charge.
Second, and more importantly, at least as i see it, the Dominant is the one with the truly taboo needs and desires, and they have to negotiate for it and, it seems to me, never really get to let go.
Setting aside the important issue of consent for a moment, and it is important, which is why i think the object thing goes way too far, but setting that aside for a moment, it’s the Dominant who gets the short end of the stick. What they desire is more frowned upon. We’re developing an egalitarian culture, in general, as a society, and what the Dominant wants is distinctly old-fashioned at best, and perverse at worst. The Dominant wants power. They need power, to feel whole, and probably to get off too.
If they also happen to get off on pain, well that’s even worse for them. They’re sadists! Evil and nasty.
Also the kind of people who crave pain sexually are just getting what they want. Or so it seems to me (i’m not particularly a masochist). Doesn’t that mean the sadist is not really enjoying it? Doesn’t it defeat the purpose?
This is all a prelude to saying, what i’ve begun starting to feel towards Dominants is not pity, though it is a species of “you poor Man!” You need control but have to continually negotiate! You get off on inflicting pain but only in a carefully planned scenario. And that’s probably appropriate, but it just makes me feel a great deal of empathy for the Dominant. It’s as if they’re trapped. Unjustly. Like a lion in a cage, forever pacing.
Some Men should have been lords or princes or kings, but we don’t have many of those anymore and no way to earn or fight your way into that kind of societal structure. Dominants have somewhat atavistic impulses. And it must, just, suck for them.
Lately, and this may not be a good idea, but i’ve wanted to approach negotiations by saying “look, You seem like you know what You’re doing. i think You know not to fist me when i’ve never done that before or to use electro since i’ve never done that before, and You know my hard limits are scat and blood and unsafe sex and permanent physical damage. And people know i’m here so it’s not like you’ll get away with anything sinister. So, why don’t we agree that you’ll do some stuff that You think is appropriate and we discuss it afterwards like grownups. Why don’t You try some things. If it upsets me we’ll discuss it after. Why don’t we explore what it is that You need? At least for a bit.”
i just thought i’d put that out there.
Because, as a sub, and as someone who eventually would like to be a slave, i’m already oriented to please. i like to be controlled, i like to make a Man happy. i already want to sacrifice, if i give my consent to someone deserving. If that means he needs to wail on me a bit, or tie me down, or never let me ejaculate or orgasm, or make me kneel or crawl, all that stuff, why not explore limits in media res and not in advance? i do have limits, but, maybe You can truly lead the way and i’ll trust You to be responsible or introduce things slowly without my having to control how You do it in advance. i can use safewords, or if something really bothers me later and unexpectedly, we can talk during some aftercare or in a few days or something. Or maybe i might like it i just don’t know it yet. i’m not that experienced. i’m experienced enough to know what sub drop is (and it is a doozy for me. it happens after i cum, at which point, i immediately wonder “who does this guy think he is bossing me around! Very belated anger as my role disappears. i need to work on that).
Anyway, having some empathy for the Dominant would make it less of a transaction and a bit more human, or so it seems at this point. i could be wrong though.
In the end, i guess i just want Him to feel good. i’m willing to suffer a bit for His enjoyment, and maybe even more than a bit, in time. it isn’t about me. it’s about Him. the submissive role is a loving role, so, i guess i just want to maximize the love. Also, i don’t want to be in charge. That’s the whole point. i’m willing to give up a whole lot to not be in charge anyway. i’m tired of being in charge. You take over, please.
Thoughts?
I don’t think I’ve ever read a more accurately stated or eloquently stated view of what a real TPE relationship is all about. No one has the power all the time – thus the negotiations and, especially in the early stages when trust it being built.
Every relationship is unique and different and my finding someone with yin needs similar to my yang needs seems realistic, not unlike the needs of two people in a vanilla relationship.
What makes finding that person so difficult is our willingness to list to untruths spouted as though they came from a mountain top. Frankly, I’d rather not have a slave if I must have one who lives by his own set of stereotypes. “A Dom always…” and “a sub always”… is often etched in stone and should not be.
Well written and spot on!
Master Chuck:
As Sadist Dom, I am often this Lion pacing in the cage, with subs and all their rules and limits. Taking the Real power/control that I need away from me, leaving me truly unsatisfied in the end.
Yes I enjoy the scenes and servicing the subs needs for flogging, estim, fisting, etc. But it is always on their terms, not mine.
I often tell all subs I encounter, “My only Limits, are yours!”
I will be taking in a slave next month who has been partitioning me for 5 years now. It knows that it’s only rights will be human rights. It’s contract has been negotiated, and it knows, there will be no further negotiating, it’s Limitations will be pressed and surpassed. it will be fully owned and used, much to my delight and as I see fit.
I am a Sadist, it’s pain is my pleasure, and I have searched for decades for a masochist that will truly meet my needs.
Papa Tony
Here in San Diego, there is a monthly, mutual-mentoring Munch for Doms. I do enjoy being there, and I love to share various tips, but I still feel a bit out of place. They like to make a clear delineation between “Service Tops” (always said with a curl of the lip) and REAL DOMS.
They are welcome to their opinions, and I certainly have mine. I believe that the distinction between my viewpoint and theirs is:
- I don’t get a sense that they can do what I can do, in terms of guiding the flow of events as they occur, from moment to moment. and in a very evolved way. My impression of them (after years of deep, revealing discussions) that they find comfort in lengthy, 36-page Instruction Manuals for their subs. Anything outside of the box tends to become a crisis.
- I am flexible. I surf on the tip of the wave of change, from moment to moment. I so fucking flexible, I have guided between forty and seventy people through continuous, moment-by-moment kinky play for 2.5 hours, successfully and pleasurably. Many times. I am still working on the full story. It’s a lot of information.
VERY little throws me for a loop. Play-scenes rarely ever go wrong, and they do, I can recover gracefully, and create a space where everybody wins. The same attributes that help me to perceive when things need to change, are the same things that make me a really sensational Sir (based upon reviews on file).
If using big perception makes me able to play ANY man like a violin (or a crowd like an orchestra) makes me a Service Top, then I guess I’m a Tenth Degree Black Belt King Alpha Service Top. 😏
Harking back to the original article on top:
I am perfectly happy to work with whatever is there, with one exception: The Micro-Managing submissive. If you come to me with a specific litany of itemized collection of demands that MUST be done in a particular order (”No, no! It needs ti be done with a CLOCKWISE rotation!”) then I will gently decline to continue, and broom you out of the door.
You may as well just call me GANDALF when it comes to creating sudden, surprising magical fun in a kinky scene. Don’t kick me out of the flow and into my logical mind during a scene. I get distracted, the continuity breaks, and the fun shudders to a halt.
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