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More Creating Community articles may be found here.
Rather than do the usual "Crabby Old Guy" routine, where I ONLY point out problems, I am using this space to go farther... to point out solutions that WORK.
Papa Tony:
First, About Me.
I have hosted over 3,000 social events. Here is a tiny sample of the 140,000 kinky event pics that I have on my computer.
The vast majority of these events have been for the benefit of kinky gay men. These events have never been exclusionary. If somebody shows up who didn’t fit any or all of those parameters, we never drove them away. I just made it plain that the main focus was on gay kinky men.
Decades ago, I considered going into politics, like my hero Harvey Milk. With my charisma, wit and perception, plus my ridiculously powerful people skills, I could have gone quite far.
Instead, I made a conscious decision NOT to go in that direction, because by that time, my brothers were dying all around me. My heart told me to go where the need was strongest. NOBODY else cared about us filthy perverts in those days. So, I did.
I turned my grieving, PTSD, Survivor’s Guilt and rage into a power-source. I could never have made it through, or accomplished so much, if I hadn’t found that valuable outlet.
Now, I have some opinions and solutions to share, viewed from the perspective of THIS end of my history.
Some History From An Elder
Imagine that you are at an event designed for gay men to cruise, in real time, face to face and on a sexual level:
- One of the vanishing number of gay leather bars.
- A kinky men’s Leather Organization.
- A closed, private men’s event such as the superb DILF parties, or
- A Leather Night at a public venue. Recon sometimes sponsors those.
The Internet is making us socially awkward. As our havens of safe Real Time space dwindle, the gay leathermen’s only other alternatives are the cruising sites and apps such as Recon and BLUF. They are not enough. We need to be in crowds in order to get better at being who we are, for the rest of our lives.
It DOES take a village to raise a healthy, self-confident kinkster.
Humans are Pack Apes. We are Troop Monkeys, who learn by observation, and then emulate our role-models, just like all other primates. Nowadays, it doesn’t happen enough for our well-being. We feel the lack, though we may not understand what we are feeling.
Imagine arriving at a bar and being joyfully hugged and greeted. You’re one of the gang. You’re on the inside, and have no doubt of your excellent value as a playmate, or a hottie. Raise your hand if this is true for you, right now.
When I was a young kinky man, I went to bars and received a lot of new information coming at me that I could never have learned through books (which didn’t exist back then). Cruising techniques, social protocols, boundaries, local lingo and flirtation skills, plus so much more on a subliminal level.
How can a gay fetishman figure out who his lifetime trusted kinky friends will be, if he never meets them in realtime? Internet flakes are a poor substitute for true friends who will never let you down.
Imagine that you are at an event designed for gay men to cruise, in real time, face to face and on a sexual level:
- One of the vanishing number of gay leather bars.
- A kinky men’s Leather Organization.
- A closed, private men’s event such as the superb DILF parties, or
- A Leather Night at a public venue. Recon sometimes sponsors those.
The Internet is making us socially awkward. As our havens of safe Real Time space dwindle, the gay leathermen’s only other alternatives are the cruising sites and apps such as Recon and BLUF. They are not enough. We need to be in crowds in order to get better at being who we are, for the rest of our lives.
It DOES take a village to raise a healthy, self-confident kinkster.
Humans are Pack Apes. We are Troop Monkeys, who learn by observation, and then emulate our role-models, just like all other primates. Nowadays, it doesn’t happen enough for our well-being. We feel the lack, though we may not understand what we are feeling.
Imagine arriving at a bar and being joyfully hugged and greeted. You’re one of the gang. You’re on the inside, and have no doubt of your excellent value as a playmate, or a hottie. Raise your hand if this is true for you, right now.
When I was a young kinky man, I went to bars and received a lot of new information coming at me that I could never have learned through books (which didn’t exist back then). Cruising techniques, social protocols, boundaries, local lingo and flirtation skills, plus so much more on a subliminal level.
How can a gay fetishman figure out who his lifetime trusted kinky friends will be, if he never meets them in realtime? Internet flakes are a poor substitute for true friends who will never let you down.
Defining “Sacred” Space
In order for leather/kink/fetish folks to thrive, mature and learn our special ways, we need spaces that are set aside just for us. In the old days, it was leather bars. They were our safe havens, where we could relax and be ourselves without harsh judgment. Our needs are special, and crucial.
Years back, I was trying to bond with a heterosexual man who identified as an “Elder.” I wanted to learn whatever he had for me, because my own gay elders died decades before. Well, that didn’t work.
He killed-off any hope of us connecting any further, when he said “I am SO tired of gay guys talking about sex-sex-sex. If it wasn’t for the fact that you suck cock, there would be NO difference between us.” Ouch.
What he was missing, is that we walk entirely different paths. One is privileged, and one is decidedly NOT. Gay kinky men have no one but ourselves, and the special support that we need can be very hard to find.
So, we need to assemble in brotherhood (and horny, lusty fun, too)! Just us, where we can drop all of the shields and be fully self-expressed.
In order for leather/kink/fetish folks to thrive, mature and learn our special ways, we need spaces that are set aside just for us. In the old days, it was leather bars. They were our safe havens, where we could relax and be ourselves without harsh judgment. Our needs are special, and crucial.
Years back, I was trying to bond with a heterosexual man who identified as an “Elder.” I wanted to learn whatever he had for me, because my own gay elders died decades before. Well, that didn’t work.
He killed-off any hope of us connecting any further, when he said “I am SO tired of gay guys talking about sex-sex-sex. If it wasn’t for the fact that you suck cock, there would be NO difference between us.” Ouch.
What he was missing, is that we walk entirely different paths. One is privileged, and one is decidedly NOT. Gay kinky men have no one but ourselves, and the special support that we need can be very hard to find.
So, we need to assemble in brotherhood (and horny, lusty fun, too)! Just us, where we can drop all of the shields and be fully self-expressed.
Identifying the Problems: The AIDS Holocaust
The nasty factor that has vaporized us as a Tribe is the aftermath of so much death in our culture.
As a community, we have some more healing to do. The wounds are all around us, though we rarely talk about it. The sadness can be overwhelming, so we don’t turn toward the pain if we can help it. I did, years ago. It was the only way that I could keep going.
The problems remain: Two generations of men have had almost no easily-found elders and mentors. Back in the old days, this was not the case. We had a solid cycle of mentoring between the generations.
Identifying the Problems: The Internet
We went from no internet at all, to WAY TOO MUCH internet. There has been a cost. Our younger brothers are losing connection with complex and subtle social skills. How do I know this? I mentor them. I see it often.
There is a desperate need for more interpersonal socialization in our Tribe. Face to face. In Real Time.
Identifying the Problems: Loss of Public Spaces
It’s no secret that our leather bars are closing all over the world. We’ve lost thousands, and they tend not to be replaced. The online cruising experience is quite different: The ease of placing a few pics and some self-descriptive text online is far from being the same as finding lifelong, true friends who relate to your experience. Perhaps you’ve noticed: Internet flakes exist.
I describe the kinky gay-men’s Tribe as being “vaporized,” nearly everywhere. We are loose particles, separated by distance.
So, How Do We Fix The Situation?
Short Version: "Leather Night" at a local meeting-space.
I am hopefully addressing a few sharp young gay leathermen with this series of articles. Folks who aren’t afraid to lead with their big, beautiful hearts, and who want to create tangible, positive and effective change in their community.
I have seen folks succeed greatly, by creating fun, focused events despite having no visible kinky gay men nearby. I promise: If you create a regularly-scheduled local event, and then STICK with it, other, eager kinksters will show up out of nowhere. Word will get around, but there is a very effective way to accomplish that, which will be covered in future articles.
Straight, bi and trans kinky folks are DEFINITELY going to want to hitch their wagons to what you are doing. That is a good thing - they have similar needs, and… We also don’t want to forget the crying need for brotherhood among gay leathermen - men who crave private time to ourselves. Make appropriate and courteous choices, based upon who shows up. Friends and allies are good.
In my own case, I created events that welcomed everybody gladly, and other events designed specifically for homosexual males to get their cruising and brotherhood going on.
If our sisters want to have better brothers, and if our loving straight allies want to see their gay brothers smiling more, then we are going to need some space just for ourselves. Just once every in a while. The rest of the time, we can be with the rest of our kinky Tribe with affection and respect.
August 26th, 2018 3:32pm
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