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By Sir Alex:
Alright followers, I’m always trying to help educate the next generation of kinksters. This time I’m writing to educate my fellow doms. Ask almost any submissive and they will tell you the world is WOEFULLY lacking knowledgeable dominants. That’s why I teach. I needed a teacher and too many people wanted something in exchange for teaching. I believe that making knowledge available for anyone who simply wants it will improve our community.
So, I asked my followers to tell me the things they HATE when dominants do them. It’s important to know what not to do because so many doms have a move, or a skill that they know subs love. When subs aren’t interested or turned off by something we did? They vanish, that makes it hard to learn from our mistakes. So, let’s get into it.
Assuming any submissive owes you anything for simply existing.
@collegebottomwpb wrote: “Assuming that I have to do what they say because they identify as a Dom and me a sub. It makes me wonder what they are really looking for. I’m not your punching bag just because I identify as a sub.”
@gayhypnoboy wrote: “One thing certain Dominants do that puts me off serving them is acting as though they deserve my submission purely based on my being an s-type, without them bothering to establish any rapport with me. It’s far better to come in gently and respectfully - if rapport is established then I am far more likely to gift the Dominant my submission.”
@hungryhungrycumdump wrote: “Being a Dom doesn’t mean acting like an asshole to me, especially if we don’t already have a relationship/framework to build on. Every day I have to ignore random rude people that treat me like shit. If I don’t know you and you’re leading off our encounter by degrading me and demanding things that make me uncomfortable, I’m gonna shut down completely. Show me you’re worth obeying before demanding subservience. You can’t be in charge until I feel safe being powerless.”
I really wanted to bring this comment up first because it is often the opening move of a dominant to try and put himself in position as the person in charge. We know you’re in charge, we all know because we all self identify with our roles.
Confidence is quiet, insecurities are loud. Pushing your dominance shows insecurities to submissives. But being your dominant self and expressing dominance through who you are is going to be WAY more effective. (as much as I dislike “real” alpha/submissive as a concept) Think of how many submissives want a “real” alpha.
They are desperate for the Man who radiates his dominance through confidence in himself and every action he takes even when he is at rest. Cultivate that Man within yourself. Mix in a bit of charm and you will be the center of attention.
Don’t forget that every sub is unique and has different needs. Get to know each submissive you want to play with.
@athenbax wrote: “I had a dominant thank me one time and I lost all respect for him. Dominants don’t thank fags, fags thank dominants.”
@markinwisconsin also added: “I think when someone approaches a sub making demeaning statements or demands it is more likely a fake dom looking for a quick buck.”
@hungryhungrycumdump wrote: “Also learn the difference between betas and omegas and try to think about what kind of relationship dynamics most appeal to you. Subs need different levels of degradation and treating us all the same is a quick way to make us feel disposable (and not in a fun cumwhore way). If you need a human toilet, fine. Just don’t assume that’s gonna be me because I’m a sub.”
Both of these quotes show what a mistake it can be to assume all submissives are the same. @athenbaxneeds a Man to come in, take charge, and own his ass. @markinwisconsin will not be impressed if you are trying to humiliate or demean you right out of the gate and will likely leave.
EVERY SUB IS DIFFERENT! They all have different: needs from dominance, personalities, kinks, appearances, and needs from a dominant. If you walk up and call @collegebottomwpb a faggot he’ll probably block you where as @athenbax is likely to say “Yes Sir”. This I hope explains some points of failure for a lot of brand new doms who start out with one approach thinking that porn reflects reality.
Take a moment to ask a sub what titles he likes as that can often give you the first clues you need to get inside a submissive’s head. Each new sub you would play with you need to think like first. You want to be a step ahead of them in the conversation whether fag or boy at all times. If you’re a step ahead of them and leading them in just the starting conversation alone, it makes a fantastic first impression.
Learn the difference between confidence and arrogance.
@markinwisconsin wrote: “I don’t think an Alpha should ask a sub to do something. They should be giving orders.”
When you understand the difference between confidence and arrogance your words carry weight because you truly and deeply KNOW what it is you need and want in the moment. You give a submissive an order not to fill his time so you can think of something more to do but instead because it’s what you need him to do and need him to do NOW.
Some submissives will make a point of letting you know that you can dominate them: “It’s ok for you to give me orders.” These submissives have often had lots of experiences with Men who were new to giving orders and unsure. Remember earlier in this post we talked about being a step ahead in the conversation? That applies in the bedroom. Plan, know, execute on your needs and your scene. Having that next step planned out while you’re spanking his ass means that there is no hesitation when you need to act because you KNOW what you’re going to do. It lets you speak with assertion because you know “this is what happens next”. Besides, a great many subs would be incredibly excited to hear: “I’ve been planning all week what I’m going to do to you. Are you ready to find out exactly what will happen now?”
Honorable mention
@lto2012 wrote: “As a Dom, I don’t know that I have much to offer here aside for the fact that I’m really willing to learn, to listen, to challenge boundaries and to openly communicate with subs. Things like this— a “how to” guide and other content I’ve found here on Tumblr— are helpful in my own learning process.
Every situation, interaction, and person is nuanced and that presents a challenge for some Doms. There is no formula. It is a continual test that goes in both directions. The issue I find is that when subs don’t communicate I fail that test. I’ll fail every test I don’t even know I’m taking.
I cannot read your mind.
I want to have the sex in real life that my buddies jerk off thinking about. Help me out and we can have that amazing sex together. “
I know how many cruel, abusive, arrogant doms are out there boys. Don’t forget there are good men too. It makes life a lot easier if even though you’re a submissive you’ll let a dominant know if something constitutes mistreatment so new sincere men such as this follower can learn and grow into a Man any of you would be proud to serve.
Dominants can’t be dominants without submissives and submissives cannot submit without a dominant to lead them. This principle extends to all areas of our kinky lives not simply the bedroom for those of us who are called to live the life of a kinkster. So, speak up, let your would be dominant know what’s up and if he shapes up and treats you right, consider submitting to him. After all, a Man who can hear he’s done wrong and do better is what we all want from a partner isn’t it?
Conclusion
No one wants to be a “bad dom/sub” or a “fake dom/sub” but if anyone is going to grow and change… They need to have the knowledge of how to DO better. I promise you subs out there, every dom wants to know what he’s doing and be acknowledged for his dominance and power by doing it so right you melt into a puddle in his arms.
The internet has given us greater access to information sure, but without our fellow doms looking at us with admiration and holding their hands out to support the next generation far too many of us suffer from impostor syndrome. “I want this sub, but I don’t want him to know I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing.” And then after a successful scene that sense of relief that it went well and he had no idea you’re still learning. You want to know how to make those boys squirm and fall for you? Just do one thing. Ask me anything. I’ll tell you.
Have a question or need a friendly ear?
Ask me anything about BDSM at BDSMadviceAlex AT gmail DOT com!
And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.
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