Creating Community, Part 6: Effective Leadership

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Papa Tony: The fact of the matter is that we don’t get a lot of useful leadership tips in our lives. If I were to slam the door open and yell out “I AM THE BOSS OF YOU!” I am pretty sure that I wouldn’t get very far. Porn’s depiction of Doms isn’t all that different.

Leadership comes from allowing others to be the wind beneath our wings. There are a LOT of great folks all around you, but they never know when it is safe for them to express their kinder, supportive and generous side. Most folks like that have grown fearful of reaching out, because they might draw back a bloody stump. Life has had cruel lessons.

By being the one who blesses and inspires, the folks who want to support you will show up on a constant basis. Word gets around.
How To Attract And Retain Volunteers

As I have explained before, my job as a leader/Mentor is to:

1. Notice, and

2. Bless.

If somebody is doing a great job, I tell them immediately, and then, later on, I do it again, with dedicated, respected witnesses. I hold nothing back, but it all has to be true, pure and generous feedback.

If I do such a simple, friendly thing, there is a direct payoff:

When I show up at 5am to set up for the next Big Event, there will be twelve volunteers there already, waiting with their tails wagging. No amount of money can buy that kind of loyalty. THAT’s how effective leadership works.

The Leader’s Most Important Job Is To Be The One With The Big Vision

When creating a new group, you MUST have a vision and a theme that is bigger than your comfort-zone. It must be bigger than YOU are.

Specifically, just saying “I want to create a new group” is not enough. The MOMENT that the group is created, the original dream dies. I have seen this hundreds of times. Most new clubs fail very quickly.

The cure for this is to have a vision that dedicates the new group to fix something that is clearly missing, and is ongoing for many years.

Here is an example:

I created FetishMenSanDiego to bring balance to a community that has been fracturing due to the Internet, and our loss of mentors. I decided that the group would provide what the Internet can’t, and never will:

Face-to-face human interaction, hugs, honest laughter and a strong sense of belonging. A place to polish your social skills, and to flirt without it having to be a Big Deal. I specifically wanted it to have the same vibe as Puppies In A Pile, or Three-Year-Olds Playing Naked In A Mud Puddle.

None of that is even remotely practical or possible unless somebody has a big-ass dream. No small dreams, ever. By making such ridiculous declarations, with everyone that I spoke to, I was acting as a filter. Folks who thought I was creepy? They’d get away as fast as they could. That’s a perfectly valid choice.

However, the other 98% of gay leathermen were instantly eager to sign up, right away. I gave everybody that choice, and they never regretted it.

My Definition Of A Tribe

I defined FMSD as a TRIBE, which means that everybody has a valued place, and everyone can be a contribution in the world. The tools that are missing from my toolbox are supplemented by the ones in yours, and vice versa. Everybody has majesty and worth, if we choose to start with that premise.

We have no “A-List” of superior folks who are particularly worthy, while others “bounce” off our indifference.

I have often said that the opposite of love is not hate - It’s indifference. If nobody gives a shit whether you live or die, it kills your soul. As primates, we NEED what a good, friendly social circle can provide.

Credibility Is The Best Currency

In the modern age, the common viewpoint is that money is the best kind of currency. However - No amount of money can buy credibility. The Internet Age is ALL about credibility - I would never dream of posting something revolting, cruel or unfair. I only share the things that I believe that my community could benefit from. That is why my readership is increasing like this:

People come to my offerings online and sense a kindred spirit - Somebody with whom they could enjoy an afternoon’s lazy and comfortable chat, while petting tragically spoiled pets. All of my posts are the best that I can bring, and it shows.

My credibility comes from my constant desire to put my ass on the line, and to give my word of honor that casual readers will always find something of value in what I share.

As I have said before, LEADERS PROVIDE. By posting the very best that I have found or created, I am leading by example. I am role-modeling, like so many of my Wise Elders that I have found online.