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Anonymous said: Dear Sir, I’m a fairly new dom, the first and only sub I’ve had had been serving me for the last year and a half. Recently I’ve been exploring Dominating others. My problem is that I don’t know what to say during a scene. My current sub is very verbal and I didn’t realize how much I was taking my speaking cues from what he was saying. With these new subs, I just feel like a walking sound board, saying the same things in slightly different arrangements and it never feels natural. Any advice?
Papa Tony:
Sounds really impressive, huh? Well, it’s certainly good stuff, but I am NOT going to tell you that. That comes later in your development. I am going to give you better advice, on a very basic level:
Be Honest.
You have been jacking-off, enjoying lovely fantasies online. You want to succeed, like any impeccable human being, so you try to emulate what you see on your computer screen. The struggle that you are having is because it isn’t working, and you are taking it personally as a failure on your part.
Well, it’s not your fault. You are missing a lot of information that never shows up in porn:
- Seduction
- Establishing Trust and Commonality
- Being In the Moment
So how does a good-hearted young Sir GET all of that stuff? Asking for help is a BIG part of the answer, but the main treasure is to be HONEST with your playmates. You have lusty Dom feelings. Those feelings are your truth.
If the new subs demand a Tom of Finland clone, with a square jaw, perfect muscles and a big dick, then nobody is ever going to reach perfection. Even men who are LIKE that are insecure messes inside, like all of us. Trust me. I know a lot of them.
You can’t win by trying to be a perfect Sir. So, be a proud, openly IMPERFECT Sir. Drop the shields. Give playmates your truth. This may dismay some submissives, who will reject you. That’s okay. The ones who will be charmed and disarmed are the subs worth keeping in your life.
Practice phrases like “I want to be a really, really good Sir for the rest of my life. After we are done, I will need your feedback over email before you sleep tonight. I really need that, in order to learn my craft. In return, I am going to be the best Sir that I know how to be. Let’s play!”
Being In The Moment
I want to talk about time-slicing. When I am in a scene, my mind isn’t wandering. Not a bit. I am not thinking about tomorrow’s plans. I am being present with my sub(s), from moment to moment, at all times. If a thought about what is happening occurs to me, then I share it, right now.
Subs LOVE that, because they know on every level how I am feeling. They never have any doubts. Every Sir loves feedback from the sub, but subs need feedback, too. It is a gift that we give them. A good submissive wants to bring satisfaction to his Sir. So, if you are pleased, SAY so.
Let’s say that a sub is blindfolded and gagged, but he can hear you making happy, lusty and TRUE noises. It keeps him motivated and focused. Dead silence on your part is creepy and scary to a new Sub. Pre-digested Porn Talk is just baffling.
If something isn’t working during a scene, point it out, and call for a new approach. No harm, no foul. It’s called “play,” not “work.”
This true honesty from moment to moment drives the subs into a frenzy of wanting to do more pleasing things for the charmingly honest Sir. They know what is pleasing, because you are always letting them KNOW.
A Good Example Of A Bad Example
I brought a new Sir-In-Training to join my slave and me in a play scene, years ago. It was disastrous. He couldn’t drop his shields. He was clearly nervous, and he was trying too hard to fit into a porn-actor form of behavior. So, he was only talking in porn-movie clichés. “Fuck Yeah - Suck That Big Dick.”
It was as if there was a sheet of plastic between him and us, and we MISSED him, while he was going through whatever was on his mind. We weren’t getting any clue, and we couldn’t get our engines revved-up.
So, I called a halt to the scene, and told everybody to cuddle naked on the bed. We talked. I asked him to tell me what was on his mind, while we tenderly snuggled. He chose to be vulnerable, and to share what was stopping him from connecting.
Once we cleared the air with our refreshing mutual honesty, then the scene resumed, and everybody had a hell of a lot of fun. The scene was a big success and a Teachable Moment for him. Years later, he is a HUGELY successful Sir.
Top-Plating
Trying to be what everybody else wants has a bad side-effect. We drop ourselves to the bottom of the list. I am a natural People Pleaser, so I have struggled with that, my whole life.
Part of that involves trying to say JUUUUST the right thing, rather than the TRUE and REAL thing. That’s a nasty trap. Trying to figure out tactics in human interaction is what ties our bootlaces together and makes us fall on our faces.
You’ve seen these devices at a cafeteria. A stainless-steel plate dispenser. Folks grab a plate off of the top, and move onward. But, then, there is that annoying person in line ahead of you, who grabs a plate, looks at it, makes a face and sets that plate aside. Over and over, no plate is good enough, and you want to smash them on the head with your lunch tray. You want to scream ”For god’s sake, PICK ONE!”
It’s how folks are when we are trying to be more “perfect,” rather than more true to ourselves and others. I assert that the first thought that comes into your head is the RIGHT one. Don’t just keep recycling whatever worked before. You have discovered that it is a trap. If you have a kind heart (as opposed to a nasty, critical nature), you will be fine. I promise.
So, be flexible, be light and be true. Come from approval and fun, not from judging harshly. Maybe that’s not what porn actors do, but I am speaking for tens of thousands of the very finest Sirs when I say…
That’s What WE Do…
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